


Secrets

by CoolDoggo



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Coming Out, Conflicted Emotions, Developing Relationship, Future Fic, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pliroy Valentine's Day Exchange, Trans Male Character, Trans Yuri Plisetsky, Yuri is 17, jj is 21
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-19 08:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13700610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoolDoggo/pseuds/CoolDoggo
Summary: Does Yuri love JJ? He could, if only it weren't for the pesky secret he was keeping from him.





	Secrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zhadyra (Shizuka_Kuroko)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shizuka_Kuroko/gifts).



> This is my contribution for the Pliroy Valentine's Day Exchange! :D I'm soooo sorry it's late, thank you for being patient with me! I hope you enjoy it! <3

Sometimes Yuri had to admit, JJ wasn’t half bad. Considering they’ve been casually dating for a little over half a year, he could only hope JJ wasn’t half bad. Perhaps he was a little better, much better actually, than half bad. JJ was actually very sweet, a bit extra at times, too extra for Yuri’s taste, but the grand gestures he made toward him were kinda cute. Currently they were laying on the bed, and JJ was gently running his fingers through Yuri’s hair. It was nice, nice enough to send small shivers down Yuri’s spine. Yeah, JJ was really sweet.

“You like that, don’t you, princess?”

Except when he says shit like that. Yuri immediately bristles, pulling away and glaring at JJ. “Don’t fucking call me that,” he growls. 

“Aww! But it’s cute!” JJ whines.

“No! It’s not! I hate it!” 

“But why?! It’s such a cute nickname for you! You’re so cute and dainty and girly and I want to protect you, just like a princess!”

Girly?! After all the effort he puts into passing, after all the struggle he went through to be seen and treated as a guy, JJ calls him  _ girly _ ?! Damnit, he had an image to maintain, and JJ was not about to undermine him like that. Protection? He doesn’t need any goddamn protection!

“You know what? Fuck you, JJ.” 

And with that, Yuri storms out, slamming the door behind him and leaving behind a very confused, and a very guilty, JJ. 

_ What the hell just happened? All of that over a stupid nickname?  _ JJ immediately feels awful, even though he hasn’t the slightest clue how that escalated so bad so fast. All he wanted was to give Yuri a cute pet name! That’s what couples do, right? Give each other cute and embarrassing pet names? This wasn’t even the first time either! 

Yuri heads back to his room in a fury, but the minute he’s back in his room with the door shut, the fury melts away and he just sulks on his bed. He’s tired, tired of needing to be hyper aware of how he presents himself in public, of needing to carefully gauge how people see him. All it takes is one wrong step, to tell the wrong person, and the secret is out and everything comes crumbling down and suddenly  _ everyone knows _ . The respect he’s built up over the years? Good luck getting that back. 

Needless to say, being transgender makes everything harder, but swearing the truth of his gender to utmost secrecy was the choice Yuri made, and he was determined to stick with it. JJ doesn’t have to know, they aren’t even serious, he figured. 

Still, serious or not, JJ can’t help but mope around at how quickly he managed to ruin everything. As much as he wants to bombard Yuri with cuddles and kisses and apologies, he gives Yuri a while to cool off, because as dense as he can be at times, even he knows that a pissed off Yuri is not a pleasant Yuri nor a reasonable Yuri. Still, after some time passes, he decides he cannot wait any longer. He whips out his phone and texts  _ Babe, I’m sorry. Are you okay? _  Which after several minutes, goes unreplied. He waits longer, and soon it becomes obvious that Yuri is ignoring him because outside of skate practice, Yuri’s glued to his damn phone 24/7. Man, he really fucked up. What did he even do wrong? 

As expected, Yuri sees the text message and he just scoffs. Stupid JJ, of course he’s not okay. He can hear Otabek’s voice of wisdom echoing in the back of his head, telling him he’s being unreasonable in expecting JJ to just know these things, about his gender, about why it’s upsetting to him, but Otabek and his voice of wisdom can fuck the hell off right now.

By the time dinner rolls around, JJ figures maybe he can buy Yuri a nice meal and win his way back into his good grace through food. If it’s one thing Yuri loved, it was delicious food. He practically bounces down toward the hotel lobby, eager to make amends with his cute little boyfriend, but when he doesn’t even see him skulking about where they usually met up for dinner, he reality of the situation becomes all too clear. With a heavy heart, JJ realizes that Yuri is indeed avoiding him. 

Or maybe, maybe Yuri just got distracted. With renewed hope, JJ quickly says him a text.  _ Hey, let me treat you to something good tonight? _

Immediately, he gets a response.

_ Fuck off. _

Oh. That went well. He lets out a dejected sigh and waves his metaphorical white flag in trying to win back Yuri’s affections for the rest of the night. At least he could always grab dinner with Otabek and spill his guilt-ridden woes to him. 

By the end of the night, Yuri finds himself moping over the fact he blew off JJ.  _ Asshole deserves it _ he thinks bitterly to himself, but despite that, he finds himself absolutely missing him. He wants to hug him and cuddle him and talk to him about utter nonsense and tease him over dumb shit. He’s not sure when it happened, but talking to JJ every night, it had become a pivotal part of his routine over the past few months. Every night they talked, sometimes for hours. While if that was anyone else, it would be annoying, but the fact it was JJ? It was nice, somehow. Their relationship was mostly long distance too, and this was one of the rare times they actually got to see each other in person, and he was blowing him off. For what? Over a misunderstanding? Yeah, perhaps he was beginning to feel a bit guilty over his stubborn, hot-headed attitude toward things. 

He was still too stubborn to send JJ a text back accepting his apologies, however. 

The next morning, Yuri sees JJ just standing there in the lobby, absentmindedly doing whatever it is he does on his phone. Yuri’s spirits perk up immediately at the sight of him, and he tells himself  _ don’t be clingy, don’t be clingy, don’t be clingy _ but in spite of his best efforts, he finds himself practically throwing himself at JJ, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling into his chest. How utterly embarrassing. 

JJ steps back a bit in surprise. His arms hover over Yuri, and he’s hesitant about whether or not he should go for the kill and hug him back. “Oh! Yuri!” He manages to say.

“Hi, Asshole,” Yuri affectionately purrs out.

He decides it’s safe to hug him back, and soon enough Yuri’s wrapped tightly in his boyfriend’s arms. “Does this mean you forgive me? Am I forgiven yet?” JJ’s only half-joking, and a gigantic burden is lifted from his shoulders the minute he feels Yuri eagerly nod into his chest.

“Yeah, you’re forgiven,” he says. 

That’s just about the best news JJ’s heard all week, especially considering how furious Yuri had gotten. 

“I’m glad,”JJ begins to softly say to him, “I’m really sorry I upset you, I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to give you a stupid nickname.”

“It’s fine,” Yuri says back. Not really the whole truth, but not quite a lie. Whatever. He’s not ready to have this conversation with him. Not now, not ever. It’s a casual relationship, an extended fling, JJ doesn’t need to know shit. 

Of course, JJ doesn’t exactly know when to stay quiet and let things go. “It was just that you’re so cute and small, and you kinda remind me of a girl, which I think is really cute! That’s not an insult at all! So I just thought, ‘Princess’ would be a really cute nickname for you!”

Yuri pulls away and glares, and JJ immediately cowers, like a dog with its tail between its legs. “JJ, I’m warning you once.  _ Stop _ .” 

Luckily, JJ seems to get the message and doesn’t bring it up further, and this time, Yuri doesn’t leave in a fit of rage. Their time together is short and precious, and Yuri intends to make the most of it, even with JJ saying such asinine bullshit. 

They spend the rest of the day together, and for the most part, it was nice. Still, JJ can’t help but notice something off about Yuri. He seems most distant than usual, almost sad even, and he can’t help but wonder if there’s something Yuri’s not telling him. 

Later that night, after dinner, they’re both lounging in Yuri’s room, sprawled all over the hotel bed and casually laying all over one another. Neither of them are saying anything to one another, and it’s a nice silence, but in typical JJ style fashion, JJ can’t stay quiet for long. 

“Yuri,” he starts to say, “Is everything alright? I mean, are you okay?”

Yuri turns around to look at him, “Yeah, I’m fine, why?” 

JJ shrugs. “I don’t know, you’ve just seemed a bit off all day.”

He looks at JJ, a bit perplexed. “What makes you say that?”

With another shrug, JJ says, “Just a feeling I have. You’ve been quieter than usual all day, and I don’t know, you seem a bit distant? I don’t know.” 

Yuri can’t help but roll his eyes, “Well, we all can’t be chatty 24/7 like  _ some people _ can be.” Still, despite his sarcasm, he had to admit JJ was kind of onto him. Ever since he made up with him, he’s felt this faint gnawing feeling of unease in the pit of his stomach. Over what? His growing feelings toward JJ? JJ’s unintentionally callous nickname toward him? The looming decision that eventually he’ll have to come out to JJ and tell him the truth? It was either that, or break up with him before that discussion even happens. 

JJ’s slight laughter takes him out of his racing thoughts. “Yeah, I guess you’re right about that. Sorry, I’m just concerned I guess, especially after...” 

He cuts him off immediately. “I said it’s fine and I’m over it.” The sentence comes out sounding more irritable than intended, so Yuri quickly grabs JJ’s hand and adds on, “Really. It’s fine. Stop apologizing over it.” 

“It’s just that, I love you, you know? The last thing I want to do is hurt you, and you seemed really hurt.” The word ‘love’ rolls so effortlessly from JJ’s tongue, and while he immediately relaxes as soon as the words leave his lips, Yuri immediately freezes.  _ Love _ . Are they really going into this territory? 

They can’t have this conversation now.  _ He can’t have this conversation now _ . 

So he does the only thing he can think of to do; he changes the subject. “Hey,” He starts to say, “I found this dumb video of a cat earlier and they reminded me of you, wanna see?” 

The rest of the night goes on without any more awkwardness, and they both find themselves whining a bit at the fact it’s late and JJ should really be responsible and head back to his room so they can both go to bed. Technically they could just share the bed together, but that’s suspicious and they both agreed to keep their relationship on the down low from everyone, especially since it was just some dumb casual fling, or was supposed to be anyway. Thank god for that arrangement, Yuri thinks to himself, because JJ seeing him without a binder on? No thanks. Not even he’s stubborn and dumb enough to sleep with one on for the sake of keeping up appearances. 

Still, the minute they share their goodnight hugs and kisses and JJ leaves his room, the melancholy hits Yuri  _ hard _ . He lays on his bed, drowning in uncomfortable feelings.  _ I love you, you know? _ JJ had said it like it was the most natural thing in the world, as if he were stating the sky is blue or the grass is green. Does...does he love JJ too? No, he doesn’t think he does, at least not yet anyway. Yet...but the makings of love are there, and all too easily can his feelings of affection blossom into something he could consider love. Does he want to love JJ? Yuri mulls over it, moping as he mulls. JJ’s sweet, he’s attractive, he works hard, he makes him feel so incredibly appreciated (usually, when he’s not accidentally being a dick), and he’s just the right amount of clueless where it’s endearing without being annoying.  

In that moment he realizes that maybe he wants to love JJ too, wants to turn their relationship into more than just something casual. He doesn’t love him, not yet anyway, but it’s only a matter of time. In his heart, he knows this.

Just...does JJ really think he looks like a girl? Does he somehow know? The thought of that leaves Yuri feeling sick to his stomach. As much as he wants to love him, he won’t be able to truly love him until the cat’s out of the bag, until he knows the truth, until he too swears secrecy and unconditional acceptance. 

Yuri can’t help but wonder if he’s ready to risk everything he’s worked hard to accomplish over as something as fleeting and frivolous as love. 

He can’t help but wonder if they should just break up, that way his secret stays safe and his dignity stays intact. Is that what he wants? No. Is that what JJ wants? Probably not. Will that make him happier in the long run? Who knows. It’s the safer option, and while Yuri has never been one for exercising caution, this is one area of his life where he can’t afford to be reckless. 

He rolls over and groans into a pillow. This sucks. As much as he doesn’t want to, as much as he wants to love JJ, maybe it’s best that he just end it before they both get burned in the end, before he gets burned in the end.

Over the next few days, JJ dotes on Yuri more than ever. Extra cuddly, extra kisses, extra affectionate. It’s almost a bit overwhelming! 

“My god, what’s gotten into you?” Yuri asks somewhat bemused. 

“I’m worried about you!” JJ says a bit too loudly, “You’ve been acting so off ever since we made up, and I want to make you feel better! I just…” His voice trails off for a second, getting quieter, sadder, “I just don’t know how to make you feel better. I can’t even figure out what’s wrong. I know you said you’re over what I said, but I don’t think that’s true. Listen I...I know you’ll just deny it, but I think you’re still really hurt by it.” 

Yuri looks up at JJ to scoff, to tell him  _ don’t be foolish, I said I’m over it and I am,  _ but when he sees the genuine worry in his eyes, his expression softens and the lie dissolves on his tongue. JJ actually looks hurt. Yuri’s reminded of an innocent puppy, loyal to a fault and eager to please, but clueless on how to go about it.  Guilt starts clawing its way into Yuri’s chest. Suddenly his resolve to pull the bandaid off in one go and break up with JJ breaks. Not like he wanted to break up with JJ in the first place, but really, it seemed like the best solution despite every fiber of his being screaming at him to not do it. Now suddenly, the reality hits him hard; he has to tell him the truth. He can’t run away from this.

“...Yuri?” JJ’s voice snaps Yuri out of his thoughts, and Yuri gently grabs JJ’s hands in response. It’s unusual for Yuri to act to tender, and JJ knows to immediately shut up and wait for him to speak.

“JJ, listen, I’m sorry,” Yuri begins to quietly say. He suddenly feels nervous, small, a feeling he’s always adamantly avoided to the best of his ability his entire life, “You’re right. I haven’t been honest with you.”

Panic suddenly flashes across JJ’s face. Oh god, is he being broken up with? Did he really fuck up that bad? He feels Yuri gently squeeze his hand, and when he looks down at him, he’s trying to coax him toward the elevators. 

“I can’t talk to you about it here,” Yuri begins to say, “let’s go to my room, okay?” 

JJ only nods in response, too nervous to say anything. 

The trip to Yuri’s room feels like an eternity. The elevator seems extra slow, the hallways seem extra long, even Yuri fumbling with his card key feels like it’s in slow motion. For once, JJ’s quiet, speechless, and this is probably the longest he’s ever been in Yuri’s presence without speaking. 

They enter Yuri’s room, and Yuri immediately invites him to sit down at the small table in the corner of his room. JJ sits down, and patiently waits for Yuri to talk lest he fuck things up even more between them.

They’re both quiet for a minute after they sit, but eventually Yuri looks at JJ and says, “Listen, before I tell you anything, I need to know.”

He stops the sentence there and goes silent again, leaving JJ to meekly ask, “...What do you need to know?”

Yuri takes a minute to gather his thoughts, to gather the courage to ask the question. He takes a breath before he says, “Look, are we serious, or are we staying casual? I’m only going to tell you this if you’re serious about me, about us.” 

The process has begun, there’s no turning back now. If JJ’s serious about him and their relationship, he’ll tell him everything. If he’s not, well, he’ll cross that bridge another time, probably break up with him after their competitions are over because as much of a dick as he can be, he’s not dick enough to break up with him during the competitive season.

Immediately, JJ blurts out, “You’re not breaking up with me?” 

Yuri looks at him, confused. “That’s...not my intention?” 

Relief floods through JJ’s body. Whatever Yuri is about to tell him, it’s fine. As long as they’re not breaking up, he can handle whatever news Yuri is about to hurl at him. 

“Oh thank God,” he says, “I really thought you were about to break up with me.” Now it’s JJ’s turn to feel vulnerable and small, and he nervously picks at the skin of his thumb as he fumbles around with his words. “Truth is...I’ve always really liked you, even back when we first met and you absolutely hated me. I don’t know, there’s just something about you that I’ve always really liked? A lot of things probably.”

He pauses for a moment, and Yuri simply waits for him to continue.

“To be honest, I never wanted something casual with you. Even when we first agreed to go out casually, I wanted something serious with you, but I figured, something casual with you was better than nothing at all. So to answer your question, yes, we are serious if that’s what you want.”

Yuri flashes him a brief smile. “Good, I guess it’s time to tell you something important then. I’m only going to say this once, so you better pay attention because I’m not repeating myself.” Without giving JJ any time to respond, he quickly says, “I’m transgender. I was born a girl, but i’m a guy now.” The last sentence comes out in a hurried jumble of awkward words, but he’d rather spell it out for JJ than risk misunderstanding. 

JJ’s quiet, and his silence makes Yuri’s heart race. What’s he thinking? What’s he going to say? Did he just make the biggest mistake of his life by telling him? Suddenly, the realization dawns on JJ and his eyes grow wide as every memory of him calling Yuri a ‘lady’ or a ‘princess’ come flooding back all at once. He puts his hand over his mouth in horror as he says, “Oh my God, no wonder why you hated me!” 

“What do you mean?” Yuri asks.

“I’ve always teased you by calling you a lady, I’ve endearingly started calling you ‘princess’. It makes sense now, oh my God, no wonder why…I honestly had no idea. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said anything! The first time we met, I called you a lady!” 

Yuri can’t help but laugh at JJ’s reaction. Maybe it’s wrong of him, but he finds it a little cute watching him squirm about like that. “The point is for no one to know! I’m glad you didn’t know!” He reassures him. He put a lot of effort into going stealth after all, and if JJ had known prior to this conversation, he would have been doing something terribly wrong. 

“I...I really had no idea,” JJ stammers out again, clearly embarrassed by his past transgressions, “Oh God, and just the other day I told you that you remind me of a girl.”

“Yeah, I kinda wanted to slap you for that,” Yuri says, only half joking. 

JJ laughs nervously. “Well I’m glad you didn’t. For what it’s worth, I never actually thought you were a girl, and I don’t think you really look like one. Like I said I really had no idea this entire time I’ve known you. You’re just…” He pauses for a moment, as if he’s debating saying what he’s about to say, if it’s the right thing to say or if Yuri will slaughter him for saying it, “You’re just really cute for a guy. That’s all that was. That was really dumb of me to say. I’m sorry.” 

Yuri’s lips curl into a playful smirk. “Well I’m glad you think I’m cute, but you’re right, that was kinda a dumb thing to say.”

Before JJ can open his mouth to respond, to apologize again for his ignorance and insensitivity, Yuri quickly adds on, “But that’s part of why I like you. You’re kinda dumb and clueless at times but I think that’s cute. I hated it at first, but it really grew on me.” 

“I can’t tell if you just complimented me or insulted me,” JJ says with a bit of a laugh. They both laugh a bit, but then JJ goes quiet again, serious. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He asks. 

“I mean, why would I?” Yuri immediately asks him back, “We were just a casual thing, there was no reason for you to know.” After the words leaves his mouth, he suddenly realizes how bad that sounds and he quickly adds on, “Look at it from my perspective. It took me a really long time for people to take me seriously, being allowed to compete in men’s was a nightmare for me. It’s not something I want people knowing, it’s not information I want floating around. This is my secret, and I’m fine with that.”

A wave of sadness washes over JJ’s face as he listens to Yuri speak. “It shouldn’t have to be a secret though, you shouldn’t have to keep that to yourself.”

“Shhhh it’s my choice, JJ,” Yuri tells him, “I don’t want people to know. I want my accomplishments to stand on their own, I don’t want them tied to my gender. I mean think about all of the openly trans people in the media, when do they get to simply exist without controversy? I don’t want that life for myself. Maybe years from now after I retire I’ll come out, but right now? Fuck that. I’m not dealing with that bullshit.” 

JJ simply nods in response. While he can never truly understand, he understands enough to respect Yuri’s decision on the matter. “Then you’re secret is my secret.”

The look of appreciation and relief in Yuri’s eyes makes JJ’s heart melt. “Thank you, JJ.” Yuri’s voice is a soft mumble, as if it’s hard for him to convey how much this really means to him, “Really, thank you.” 

Yuri goes quiet for a moment, and JJ gives him room to continue speaking. Since he’s being so honest right now, he may as well give him the whole truth. “Honestly, I wasn’t going to tell you. My plan was to break up with you before we could have this conversation, even if I didn’t really want to end what we had.” A blush starts creeping over his cheeks as he talks. God, he hates dumb mushy shit like this. “You grew on me, and I wanted something more than what we agreed on, but I knew I wouldn’t feel comfortable with anything more than a casual thing if I had to keep it a secret from you. I mean, could I trust you? Then I saw how much you wanted to make me happy, how upset you got when you were an asshole and said what you said, and I thought that maybe, maybe it’s worth the risk.” 

“I’m happy you told me, not that it really makes a difference in how I see you, but now I understand why you got so upset and now I can do better. I promise I’ll do better in the future, I really promise.” He feels sheepish all of the sudden, as if he's suddenly aware of how much weight words can have, “Thank you for trusting me.” 

“So, that's enough emotional garbage for one day,” Yuri says with an embarrassed grin, “I assume there's no issue with this?” 

JJ smiles back at him, “None at all. Just...I have one question.” 

“And what is that?” Yuri asks, praying it won't be something stupid or downright offensive. 

“Can I call you ‘my prince’?” 

Immediately, Yuri bursts out laughing. Oh how typical of JJ! “Call me whatever your big dumb heart desires.” He says as he leans over the table to give him a kiss on the forehead. 

“Okay then, my prince, I love you!” 

“Yeah, I love you too,  _ King _ .” 

The words feel awkward and dumb in his mouth, but he figures, yeah, he can get used to this. 

  
  



End file.
